Children need to feel they are loved and accepted by the people who are closest to them. Within the blended family, a step parent has the responsibility of developing a secure and loving relationship with their stepchildren. Relationships of this nature need a lot of work and it requires a parent to be sensitive to their stepchild's needs. This isn't always easy as the daily routines of family life can be very busy and hectic. Sometimes you may feel as though you are struggling to balance work and home life which could mean you end up compromising valuable time with your family. It is therefore important to set aside time for family so you can give yourself the best possible chance to bond with your stepchild.
The following information may help you to take positive steps towards bonding with your stepchild:
Make sure the time you spend with your stepchild is quality time:
It is important that you are not distracted when you spend time with your stepchildren. As soon as your working week is over, leave the office behind until Monday morning. Work and home life must be organised and have a clearly defined structure especially if there is a lot going on. Your children will be aware if you are preoccupied with something else and they may begin to feel that you are not interested in being with them. A stepchild in particular will need to feel that they are your number one priority as their need for reassurance will be greater within a blended family situation.
Tell your stepchild you are there for them:
Your stepchildren will need to feel they can approach you with any concerns they may have. This means you need to be open and approachable. Children also have a lot of issues to contend with at school such as bullying, peer pressure and subject performance. As a parent, you need to encourage your stepchild to speak to you about any concerns they have no matter what they are. Similarly, if your stepchild has broken a plate or cup in the kitchen or accidentally broken the window in the house of the next door neighbour, they should feel they can confide in you to an extent without their step parent being overly harsh. Accidents happen!
Don't criticise your stepchild unduly:
We cannot learn if we do not make mistakes. Part of that process is being allowed to make mistakes. Growing up is challenging enough and it becomes even more difficult if a child feels they cannot make any mistakes without being chastised. Some of the most valuable life lessons result from making mistakes. What counts as a mistake is a matter of interpretation. If a parent has been conditioned by their own parents to believe all mistakes are bad, they will inevitably pass these ideas on to their children. In order to help a stepchild feel secure, try not to let any of your own negative beliefs influence your stepchild and approach every situation from an unbiased perspective.
Make sure your stepchild is treated equally to your own children:
Creating a feeling of equality between children is an important factor to consider within a blended family situation. Any disputes arising between siblings should be met with a fair and just reaction from both parents. The relationship between siblings will become closer if both are treated in the same way. Parents should be working together to create harmony within the blended family and that will only happen if the parents work together to establish relationships that are reciprocal.
Copyright Christina McDonald 2009
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